Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A colonoscopy... a simple diagnostic procedure to check for colon cancer, but I wound up with a diagnosis instead of diverticulosis. This is pockets in the large intestine. My diet must include high fiber foods and avoid items with seeds and nuts that could (presumably) get stuck in those pockets. I have to give up popcorn, nuts and chunky peanut butter. Peanut butter doesn't taste good unless it has nuts in it, otherwise it just tastes fat. Which is mostly is. And popcorn is the cheapest junk food ever.

What is interesting is, once those pockets get infected (deverticulitis, and this doesn't always happen), the diet switches to low-fiber foods, and the list includes stuff that I avoid in order to keep from getting fatter: eggs, cream soup, white bread....

But anyway, if you want advice on colonoscopies, read on. The information sheet they ave me urged me to stay near toilet facilities. What they neglected to say was how near. Like 6 feet. So I was a prisoner in my own bedroom. I tried just sitting on the toilet, but of course nothing happened then.

If you are caught any further from the toilet, do not, I repeat, do not run. Instead, hobble with your buns pressed tightly together. This works much better. Forgoing underwear is good idea also. All in all, clothing just got in the way.

Good thing I didn't have to operate the mommy taxi.

If you must work the day before, adult diapers might be a good investment.

After all that excitement, clean up and hops in the shower (once when the washing machine repairman was here, and I was clothed at that point!), the actual procedure is anti-climactic. I was told not to operate machinery, like the car (OK) and the sewing machine. drat. They also said I couldn't cook dinner.

My husband, who told me that I was supposed to relax and conquer the world (that is, play Civ III all afternoon), decided instead that I was fully capable of washing the dirty laundry (which also included towels to mop up water from the broken washing machine) at the laundromat, researching new washing machines at the library, and setting the table for dinner. And after dinner, I made phone calls to find homes for exchange students (no one said yes). So I have yet to conquer the world and be pampered. I can always take a rain check.